What to Do In A Marriage Breakdown

One of the ailments afflicting humanity today and the root cause of many other troubles is a fatalistic atti­tude toward life. If someone could inculcate hope into people it would do more good than all the medicine in the world. The fatalistic outlook embraces love. This is seen as something which happens to people for no apparent reason, “comes into their lives,” and as suddenly departs. Far too few realize that love is something to be nourished and developed. It can be done, and must be done, by those who would make their marriage successful.

Let us see how it works out in practice. Two mod­ern young people marry. They have discussed sex and have read books about it. They know what the best advisers have to teach so far as sexual activity is con­cerned. They are mutually attracted to each other. They ought to succeed.

But they fail from the outset. They decide to get the utmost fun out of their honeymoon, and so spend it in, say, Paris. They arrive there tired and hungry, and devote most of each day to sight-seeing and half the night to cabarets. Then they sleep in order to prepare for a fresh day’s feverish activities.

This kind of life continues year after year. Curious­ly enough, their very efficient love-making occupies even less time during the second year than it did dur­ing the first, and by the end of the third year they hardly ever embrace except when under the stimulus of alcohol. Before the fourth year has ended they de­cide they cannot bear the sight of each other and go their separate ways.

Generally, when this kind of thing occurs, the couple either blame each other, or else come to the conclusion that their marriage was a mistake. But, in fact, there was no definite reason for not marrying, and many good reasons why they should have done so. The great mistake they both made from the outset was this: They crowded love out of their lives. They did not sufficiently nourish it. They did not provide the space for it to flourish and expand. Their lives were so full of other things that they had little time for love.

Things might have been different had they planned more wisely, intent above all else upon insuring con­ditions in which their love could grow. First, they would have realized that during the honeymoon the great attraction should have been each other. They should have sought some quiet place where their earliest intimacies could have been enjoyed to the full without interruptions and without unnecessary counter-attractions. As it was, they began their mar­ried life with a round of pleasures but without those precious hours of undisturbed mutual revelation and experiment which help so much.

As so often happens, they continued as they began. And the same is true of many people who do not rec­ognize, before they marry, that love is something which needs tending. But how?

The one characteristic which must be present where love is, and the one which best enables us to identify love itself, is unselfishness. Many a frail mortal, whose capacity for love is not large enough to enable him to open his heart to the world with all its need, nevertheless feels love toward one person. And where that feeling is directed toward someone of the opposite sex and is accompanied by a desire for union with that person we have the love which provides the soundest possible basis for marriage. There must always be a certain sacrificial quality about love—a willingness to sink individual interests in order to serve a wider unity. And in the married relationship which is founded on love, all that is given up in this way is invariably more than repaid. What each individual partner relinquishes is merged with the sacrifices of the other. The marriage group, and later the family, benefits accordingly.

Does this appear to be platitudinous—remote from the practical aspect which really interests you? Ac­tually it goes to the very heart of the matter when re­garded from a realistic point of view. Love is the one essential, and where it is present the physical union, management of the family finances, sharing of respon­sibilities, duties, and privileges, policy regarding the birth of children, and every other practical activity is influenced and profoundly affected.

We have seen that sex is but a part of total living. As such we all possess it, and must use or misuse it in some way or other. But there is one safe way in which we can use it—as a part of loving. The great essen­tial to success in the sphere of sex relations is that all sexual activity should be inspired, prompted, and guided by love.

What difference does the presence of love make? That is the question which many ask and often they only learn the correct answer when it is too late to benefit them. Without love, sexual activity is often pleasurable. Nature has arranged it thus in order to secure the continuation of the race. But satiety is soon reached where the sex act is performed merely in or­der to achieve physical gratification. The relief of physical tension may be achieved with various part­ners and there may not be the slightest inclination even to see any one of them again. But where sex ac­tivity is part of loving there is invariably a gradual intensification of the pleasure derived from the rela­tionship—not all of it physical, by any means. There are many married couples whose living and loving have brought constant fresh joys and new happy dis­coveries. Even in the later years of life the adventure has continued, and new sources of happiness have been found.

Sex as a part of love’s expression is the normal and sound way for civilized men and women. It is infinite­ly superior to the attitude which keeps sex on a purely physical level. But you may realize this to be true yet wonder what any human being can do in order to maintain and develop love. You may doubt whether love can last, save perhaps in the case of a few very fortunate people.

What can be more depressing to any wife who takes a keen interest in her domestic work than the knowl­edge that her husband regards all such tasks as be­neath him? Genuine equality in marriage is not so much a matter of rules and regulations, laws and customs, as of the spirit. The spirit of equality yields an outlook which cannot possibly despise, either openly or secretly, any of the tasks which one’s part­ner has to perform.

During the first few years you form habits which will last throughout your marriage. It is as well, therefore, to sow seeds deliberately with an eye to their coming to fruition later on.

Some people make the serious mistake of deferring the real business of shared living for as long as possi­ble—until the arrival of the first child, perhaps. Dur­ing their early years of marriage they crowd in all the pleasure they can. Possibly the wife continues to work, and most of the family income is spent on amusements. Thus a habit is formed of living in an expensive and unreal manner. And having become accustomed to this kind of life, both partners desire no other. They postpone having children. They are really also postponing marriage in its true sense. They grow to fear having to live the normal married life.

The couple who look ahead strive to acquire habits which will serve them well as the years pass. The real joys of life cost little and they provide their utmost benefit when both share them. The natural recrea­tions—walking, listening to the conversation of friends, reading—may be had for the asking. As for sports, those which are based largely on artificial stim­ulus do not contribute to the stability of marriage. There may seem little harm in watching a number of dogs chasing a mechanical hare, but if there were no betting, would this spectacle attract you evening after evening to the greyhound track?

But, it may be asked, what harm can there be in greyhound racing provided that both husband and wife are willing to allocate a proportion of the family income to throwing money to the dogs? Here you should bear in mind that the habits you form in your everyday living will not only affect both of you, but also your children. These habits will probably prove lasting. You may feel that it is highly undesirable that your children should be encouraged to form gambling habits. You may do your utmost to persuade
them that gambling is foolish, since it involves risking money which someone has had to work hard to earn. But the knowledge that Mummy and Daddy go to the “Dogs” will count for much more in their minds than all the anti-gambling arguments ever uttered.

Likewise it is a thoroughly bad sign when married people regard the movies as their main form of rec­reation, so that if for some reason or other they are unable to visit the “pictures” once or twice a week, according to the habit they have formed, their life seems entirely out of joint. The commercialized forms of recreation are highly standardized. They make little or no allowance for individuality. Their patrons tend to acquire one way of looking at things—and that usually, not by any means the best way.

This particularly applies, perhaps, to the movies, which nowadays exerts a tremendous influence over people’s lives. It enables day-dreamers to indulge in their weakness, guided by film stars into whose shoes they step for a couple of hours. This kind of escape from reality is harmless enough in small doses. But it often becomes a habit. It grows on some people to an amazing extent. There are movie addicts who are as much in the grip of the silver screen as drug addicts are held in captivity by the drug which has mastered them. Here again is a habit which is better not formed. Far more people patronize the movies than the total of those who engage in all forms of sport and outdoor recreations. They simply sit and watch. They stop living for two hours or more and let others live for them.

Far better to cultivate shared interests which in­volve active participation. And if there is no recrea­tion which appeals to both partners, then let the shar­ing principle apply to the manner in which each follows his or her preference. If each Saturday after­noon during the winter the husband is going to enjoy the excitement of a fast game of football, then let him see to it that his wife, too, spends some time, outside of the home, in a pursuit which appeals to her.

Finally, if during the first few years the kind of mutual understanding and adjustment described in this chapter has not been achieved, if unhelpful habits have been formed, then set to work immediately to put things right. This may not be easy. But it can be tackled with a much greater chance of success now than later.

If two people marry and genuinely strive to be the best of companions to each other, thinking first of their own responsibility, and not of their individual interests or desires, they will almost certainly achieve a happy marriage. If, on the other hand, each con­siders his or her own interests almost exclusively, then it is practically certain that the marriage will prove a failure.

That is why the first few years are so important. They are the time of opportunity in marriage, and if that opportunity is not wasted, the succeeding years pay rich dividends of happiness and contentment.

The happy married people are those who, during the early years of marriage, formed sound habits designed to promote mutual happiness. If you start by always staying in, the habit will grow until it becomes diffi­cult to force yourselves to go out. If you never invite people to visit you in your home, you will eventually lead lonely lives. So start right. Form sound habits. For example, one so missive type of wife who is pathetically anxious to grant every request her husband makes. Almost in­variably, neither she nor her husband is happy. Why should men always get their own way? It is not good for them. The wife who enters marriage determined to play her part to insure the success of the relation­ship will never permit herself to become a doormat provided she understands men. And the chief thing she needs to know about them is that they are emo­tionally immature. That is why the happiest wives invariably treat their husbands rather like children —without letting their husbands realize that they are doing so!

In a partnership for two there cannot be two bosses. Someone has to take the lead or indecision results. If both partners are genuinely striving to further the welfare and happiness of the other, the problem of leadership invariably solves itself. In some matters, the wife takes the lead. In others, the husband. It is impossible to lay down hard-and-fast rules in this, as everything depends upon the individuals concerned.

But of course it must always be remembered that the marriage partnership, while based on the idea of equality, must also be inspired by love and mutual consideration. Where this is so, leadership comes nat­urally when needed, and it is not disputed by the other partner in childish fashion—”I’m just as good as you, so why shouldn’t I decide?”

I have been profoundly shocked by the manner in which some modern young people apply their strongly held views about equality of the sexes. They assume that this involves being absolutely blunt in their con­versation, and it is hardly surprising that the two equals meet in combat very frequently and on the same low level. Absolute frankness is essential to the best results. But frankness does not imply rudeness. What is often called “honesty of expression” is some­times more than a little dishonest.

For instance, if you ask me whether I like your new suit and I reply: “Well, I don’t like it at all. It makes you look even more insignificant than usual 1″ I am doing just a little more than asked. You wanted an opinion, and I have given it. But I have also added something—worked off a little of my own aggressive feeling, inflicted a little hurt, been thoroughly nasty. I have sought to strengthen my own ego by wounding your self-esteem.

There is far too much of that kind of thing gen­erally. It is rank bad manners. The milk of human kindness is needed even among the best of friends. It is particularly required in marriage.

This extreme “honesty,” often taking the form of sheer rudeness, is really a leftover from an earlier period of development. One often observes it in young people who are passing through a difficult emotional phase, but they usually drop it round the age of eighteen. The “emancipated” adults who glory in their extreme bluntness of expression are really re­vealing their infantile level of development.

The husband or wife who has a tendency to act in this way will find it a valuable corrective to seek out opportunities to express genuine appreciation. Mere flattery will not do. It will be obviously insincere. But if your partner in marriage has not scores of good points you have chosen badly indeed. Try to show your appreciation of what is good, and then you will be listened to attentively when, still careful not to give offense, you point out things which irritate you. 

But, of course, if you are to show appreciation of each other’s good points, you must know something
of each other’s lives. Most wives take a keen interest in their husband’s work, but if they fail to do so, it is
usually the husband’s fault. Some men decline to dis­cuss their work at home, and sooner or later their
wives accept this and never inquire about how the husband has fared in factory or office. On the other hand, many a woman who is naturally absorbed in. her domestic work realizes that her husband knows little or nothing of what is involved in it.

Some husbands have not the remotest idea what it is like to prepare meals day after day, all the year round. It is true that the “over-domesticated” hus­band may prove irritating to many a wife. But every husband should be sufficiently interested in his wife’s domestic work to acquire for himself some little knowledge of cooking and other domestic activities. The man who can turn his hand to preparing a meal is not only able to act in emergency, but can readily understand what is involved in a constant round of such duties.

Let it be admitted at once that most men enter marriage fully intending to pull their weight. They feel that they are assuming responsibilities which they did not possess before. They are determined to dis­charge them. But although the best of intentions are usually present, the fact remains that many men carry into marriage part, at least, of the attitude which has been theirs in the past. Nobody can fling off, at will, the attitudes of years and be done with them in a flash. It means re-educating emotional ex­pression. It involves the best type of self-discipline.

Needless to say, some girls who have been spoiled all their lives bring to marriage the resultant inade­quacies. They, too, find it hard, if not impossible, to adapt themselves to the new conditions. But what a commentary upon our methods of upbringing that the overwhelming majority of men have to start re­education regarding the most vital things in life after they have married!

And not only does upbringing make it very diffi­cult for men to get accustomed to giving instead of constantly taking, other factors, even customs associ­ated with marriage itself, tend to encourage the hus­band to take rather than give. These are really sur­viving traditions from days when female subjection was taken for granted. They make it harder for the husband to shake off his former habits and take on a fresh set.

For instance, while we shout from the housetops that now and henceforth the sexes must be regarded as equal, we still expect a woman to provide a trous-seau, whereas the man is not called upon to do any­thing of this kind.

I£ the idea o£ absolute equality between the sexes found expression right through our marriage ideas we should not, perhaps, abolish the trousseau, but we should have a husband’s trousseau as well as a wife’s.

This is, o£ course, really a minor matter and one upon which we need not dwell beyond pointing out that such things as this—and others could be men­tioned—tend to encourage the husband to think o£ marriage in terms of his own advantage instead of as something which equally affects two people.

Most women find it very much easier to share their lives, simply because they have been doing so to some extent long before marriage. It is helpful for them to realize the difficulties which husbands experience in this change-over of habits, for much depends upon their understanding and encouragement.

The upbringing of girls prepares them for marriage to a considerable degree, but while it is helpful for the wife to be ready and even eager to play her part in the shared life, she may need to remind herself that she is an equal in the marriage partnership. Many women have grown so accustomed to the purely domestic role that they overlook their rights in every other sphere. They may even be afraid to ask for things they really need, or at any rate refrain from doing so until they can contain themselves no longer and then indulge in an angry outburst.

I have said that it takes two years for most men to adjust themselves to shared living. What of the wom­an who, prior to marriage, has followed a career? She, too, will not find it at all easy to accept the changed conditions. Working in the home, instead of going out to meet other people in fresh surround­ings, may at first seem dull.

When the husband returns from work he may be in need of rest, whereas she is in need of change and active recreation. It is very important that the hus­band should realize that his wife would welcome an evening out and that the wife should recognize that her husband feels just as keen on an evening at home.

Obviously, both cannot have their way all the time. Apply, then, the principle of sharing. The husband who, although he would like to put his feet up and take things easy at home, takes his wife out in order to meet her wishes will generally find that the little outing will do him good. The wife who stays in to please her husband will enjoy the knowledge that he likes nothing better than the home over which she presides, especially if she knows that the following evening he will take her out. Give and take all the time must be the rule, and you will find in practice that the happiest times for you are those when you are giving and not merely taking. Some find this hard to believe,

but it is true.

changed conditions. Working in the home, instead of going out to meet other people in fresh surround­ings, may at first seem dull.

 When the husband returns from work he may be in need of rest, whereas she is in need of change and active recreation. It is very important that the hus­band should realize that his wife would welcome an evening out and that the wife should recognize that her husband feels just as keen on an evening at home.

Obviously, both cannot have their way all the time. Apply, then, the principle of sharing. The husband who, although he would like to put his feet up and take things easy at home, takes his wife out in order to meet her wishes will generally find that the little outing will do him good. The wife who stays in to please her husband will enjoy the knowledge that he likes nothing better than the home over which she presides, especially if she knows that the following evening he will take her out. Give and take all the time must be the rule, and you will find in practice that the happiest times for you are those when you are giving and not merely taking. Some find this hard to believe, but it is true.

The real test comes when, having lived together through all the excitement of courtship, honeymoon, and first embraces, the partners have to adjust them­selves to everyday life. It is then that the husband’s emotional inadequacy is usually painfully apparent.

As we have seen, the woman’s basic outlook is firmly founded on her maternal instinct, and this equips her mentally and emotionally for her task. But the husband is not so equipped for his part. On the contrary, his life has hitherto been lived along lines not conducive to marriage.

Whereas the wife has really only one basic problem to solve—how to adjust herself to her husband—he has two. He not only has to learn adjustment to his wife, but—and this may prove more difficult—he has to attain adjustment to the new conditions of living.

I regard the first two years of married life as the critical period, for much depends upon the measure of “re-education” attained by the husband during this time. If two years seems too long to allow for a husband to achieve adaptation to living the married life, just think precisely what is involved.

Not only is he endowed, like all men, with a lesser degree of emotional maturity than most women pos­sess—a big handicap in itself!—but all his life has been devoted to pleasing himself, to living (broadly speak­ing) as though he alone mattered. Very few boys play so active a part in the home as do girls as a matter of course, and when they have performed some little service they have usually felt as though they were being exceedingly good! It is amazing how men give themselves rows of medals for doing for an hour what women do year in and year out. Even when engaged in the task of looking after themselves, most males, irrespective of age, usually rely very largely upon the ministrations of female relatives. The man of thirty who marries has been dependent upon women, to a varying degree, but always to an important extent, all his life; and then, instead of living for himself, he must live for another as well. He has to learn to share.

Whether you go on a honeymoon or not, patience and tact must be exercised by both partners during the early days of marriage, and particularly upon the wedding night. Many of the difficulties which are ex­perienced at this time are not really the responsibility of the partners; they arise from faulty upbringing. Where a faulty outlook on sex has been inculcated in childhood, this inevitably affects the first physical embraces and may produce disharmony right at the start.

If you recognize this fully, it will prove a great aid. It will help you to act wisely. We all have inhibitions of various kinds and of varying degree. It is therefore particularly necessary to go slowly during the early days of marriage. No bigger mistake could be made than to act as though the whole future success of your marriage depends upon your indulging to the full in the physical embrace at this time.

Because sex has been treated in books, plays, and lectures as though it were something apart from life, instead of being an essential part of total living, most of us experience a good deal of anxiety, fear, or shame—or possibly all of these—in connection with sexual expression. What should be approached in a spirit of keen anticipation, and participated in with happy abandon, may seem surrounded with difficulties and fraught with dangers.

This is widely recognized, but many people make the mistake of supposing that the remedy lies in a bold, heavy frontal attack, as though the inhibitions and faulty attitudes of years could be banished in an hour or a day. It is far better to “hasten slowly.”

Because of the emotional make-up of most women, the wedding night is of exceptional significance to them. Nothing which happens then is trifling. This presents dangers, but it also offers opportunities. The wise handling of the problems associated with the first intimate relations can powerfully contribute to the establishment of mutual trust and understanding.

There can be no doubt that one of the most danger­ous enemies of harmony in the early intimate contacts is undue prominence of the masculine element. Sex­ologists have tended, in recent years, to write and speak almost entirely from a masculine viewpoint, and have therefore underrated the importance of the feminine contribution. They have said, with truth, that the bride is rarely able to experience full enjoy­ment of the intimate embrace, and have concentrated upon counseling thoroughness of preparation on the man’s part—more love-play, kisses, caresses, before the act of union. But this does not go far enough. We need to recognize that in these early days we have to act in accordance with the woman’s tempo. The more so if as a result of upbringing she is unduly in­hibited in this regard. The fundamental outlook on marriage should always be a long-term one, and for this, if for no other reason, the keynote on the man’s part should be—patience.

First, bear well in mind the fact—for fact it is—that compared with normal married life, the honeymoon is merely a playtime. The serious business of living together comes later. It is then that the real test begins.

It is not surprising that many find their honey­moons delightful in almost every respect. The condi­tions are entirely favorable, which is rarely the case in ordinary, everyday life. And many husbands and wives look back at the happy days of the honeymoon and sigh for their return. They compare their feelings when facing the humdrum daily round with the joys they experienced on their honeymoon. They feel cheated, and blame their marriage or their partners, failing to realize that the conditions are totally different.

A sound recognition of the real nature of the honey­moon will enable those who sigh for the return of honeymoon joys to realize that they are simply long­ing for a holiday together in which they can be ab­sorbed in each other just as they were during the honeymoon. Well, there is nothing to prevent them doing this, unless they have ceased to take as much interest in each other as they once did!

Do not expect everything to go exactly right dur­ing the honeymoon. While it is true that the back­ground factors are usually favorable, the fact remains that you are both novices in marriage, and most of the necessary knowledge—indeed, the most important part of it—can be acquired only through actual ex­perience of the marriage which has only just begun.

One result of the romantic view of the honeymoon is that some people expect far too much of this short holiday. They should remember that there are years of shared living ahead. These should bring much joy. It is foolish to expect it all at once.

Those who feel that the very idea of marriage with­out a honeymoon at the outset is quite unthinkable might ponder upon this quotation from A Short His­tory of Marriage, by Ethel L. Urlin:

“The honeymoon is a relic from the old days of marriage by capture. Far from being a pleasure trip, as it is now, it was a hurried flight made necessary by the almost certain wrath of the bride’s father. For at least a month the audacious pair kept out of his way, and at the end of that time strove to reconcile him to the situation by making him handsome presents.”

So it seems that unless the newly married couple have good reason to fear the bride’s father, there is no reason at all why they should go to the expense of a honeymoon, just at the time when money is most needed.

If the honeymoon were always a help, no one would think of questioning its worth. There is some­thing to be said for a short holiday during which the partners are freed from all distractions and canget to know each other more thoroughly and inti­mately than has hitherto been possible, or permis­sible. But far too often it proves a hindrance, since it involves the marriage starting under conditions which are to some extent unreal.

After all, the true test of marriage is not how well two people can get along together for a week or two when they are free to concentrate entirely upon each other, it is how they can manage, year in and year out, when dealing with all the innumerable problems and practical affairs of day-by-day living.

So much emphasis has been placed upon the importance of the honeymoon that many people regard it as something of vital significance which must on no account be missed. It can safely be said that such an attitude is completely erroneous. It is dangerous, too, for it causes people to attach far too much importance to what is, when all is said and done, nothing more than a holiday.

If we look upon the honeymoon simply as a holi­day, then there is much to be said in favor of de­ferring it and having an extra good holiday together at the most convenient time.

Old customs die hard, and no suggestions of mine are likely to cause any considerable number of readers to forgo the honeymoon. Of that I am aware. So let me utter a few words of warning regarding some of the misleading ideas which are widely held on this subject.

The start o£ any journey is important. A good start sets the course in the right direction. It puts the
travelers in good heart. They feel that they are making progress. They therefore gain confidence in themselves and in each other.

So far as marriage is concerned, it is best to regard the first two years as the first phase. It is true that most people look upon the honeymoon as the start of the journey, and some writers have given to this brief holiday—for such it really is—a significance far beyond its real importance.

Thus it is sometimes said that marriages are either made or marred on the honeymoon—an exaggeration, but containing at least a grain of truth. All that hap­pens on the honeymoon is important. But it is only of exceptional importance because it occurs right at the start of the marriage journey. It would be just as im­portant if the couple did not go away on a honey­moon, but began their married life at home, living from the start in the conditions in which their shared relationship would continue.

I sometimes think that it would be a good thing if people who intend to marry were to ask themselves, and each other, the question: Is our honeymoon really necessary?

This may seem a startling question to some. But it is one which is worthy of careful consideration, since there is much to be said both for and against the honeymoon custom.